Planeguage

I learned a new word the other day thanks to Delta Airlines. The word is "planeguage" (pronouced like "language"). And customers are introduced to it via various cute little cartoons that are woven through the movies, news and video that play over the entertainment system. The cartoons mock the lack of legroom, trauma of sitting in the middle seat, and other challenges that often cause airline customers to leap out of the emergency exit doors at 30,000 feet.

For example, one cartoon depicts a man in the middle seat trapped between two screaming children. Obviously, he's had enough and he screams loudly and puts his elbows squarely on the armrests in a move that absolutely traumatizes the children. The words "middle" and "man" drop from the top of the TV screen and then come together at the bottom---"middleman."

I'm sure that it is hilarious to watch--when you are far removed from the horrific realities of air travel. But I must confess that the humor is lost upon you when you are actually sitting in the middle seat or don't have enough leg room and have paid about $2000 to endure the indignities.

This was exactly my experience about 24 hours ago when I found myself on an international flight on Delta Airlines. In an effort to get from Temuco, Chile to Tucson, Arizona, I flew Lan Chile from Temuco to Santiago, Delta from Santiago to Atlanta, and American from Atlanta to DFW and from DFW to Tucson.

I must say that this was my worst experience ever on an airplane--and I have logged about 1.5 million miles in the air (since my first 10,000 mile journey at the age of 9). For some reason, over the last few months, Delta elected to squeeze another row of seats onto this particular airplane, a move which resulted in my absolute inability to put my feet under the seat in front of me.

This wouldn't have been so bad if the gentleman next to me hadn't been of such size that his prominent right cheek precluded any possibility that said cheek could fit under the armrest between us. And then Delta had the gall to put a cartoon called "planeguage" on the TV screens to mock me as I endured the indignities of the experience. "Ha, ha, ha," Delta seemed to be saying. "Isn't air travel a pain? Look at all the words we can invent to make fun of you as you sit back, relax and enjoy the flight!"

I walked back to the rear of the plane on at least two dozen occasions--and, at one point, a Delta flight attendant decided to say something about my frequent trips.

"Having a problem with leg room?" he asked.

"Oh, no," I responded. "There's no leg room to have problems with. I think there used to be something called 'legroom' but it seems to have disappeared."

"Well," he said (and if I'm lying, I'm dying--he actually said what I am about to say)--"You know, we all get larger as we get older and that makes us think the legroom is disappearing."

I guess that is what we call "planeguage." Planeguage is nothing more or less than plain language when it comes to air travel.

I've got some "planeguage" for Delta.

How about "United" or "American?"